Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
