Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
