I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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