I heard we made out
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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