I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
dude. I can hear the air.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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