did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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