I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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