are you so shy because you have an std?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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