Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This is classic penis vs brain.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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