I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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