in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
