i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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