i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
