Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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