im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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