remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
do herpes really smell.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
