Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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