This is not my ceiling
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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