four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
