but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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