So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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