If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
