this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
