it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
