I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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