Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
