i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
