peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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