"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
