I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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