I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
