I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
