you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
