Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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