Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
