I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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