I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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