"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
