i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
