He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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