I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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