Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
