The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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