Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
