Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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