Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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