Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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