Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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