please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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