I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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