i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
