i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
