do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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