**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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