Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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