Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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