I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
