If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
