K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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