i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
